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Just been following the flow recently, things happen and i accept them without questioning too much. Looks like life decided that i will start working part-time as a software developer next week, i'll pretend to follow some classes of my master during the rest of the time, it's not a bad plan. It also looks like i'll go to china next semester to study chinese language in the morning and keep working remotely in the afternoon/evening. I'm really hyped for this new experience. Been talking a lot to my chinese ex-girlfriend, kind of fell in love again. I hope it can work out again when i'll land in China. Been smoking a bit too much maybe, it's fine it keeps me sane, something nice i look forward during these senseless days. bye !

I'm pretty bored of studying, i kind of started my master but i'm not really feeling it. Last week the company where i did my internship offered me a part-time position, i accepted today, i'll start in 2 weeks. I liked the place during my internship and i think it's good for my carreer and work/study/life balance now. i can also keep working remotely when i'll go to china to study chinese there. my moods lately really depends on the music i listen to, gotta make some new playlists hhhh. skk skk skk !

I dont like free will, i would like to already know what i have to do. i like being given a task and doing it. Feeling accomplished at the end. But having to choose what to do? fuck thats not for me. I'm so anxious and scared of regretting it after. Right now i'm contemplating if i should do a master or go to work. i have some pretty good opportunities in both cases. And i'm actually tired of studying. i wanna be an adult, do my thing. Next semester i'll go to China. i wanna study chinese and be with my ex-girlfriend again. i wanna leave everything behind. like i did when i went to Paris. Next week i'll change idea again probably. Maybe this is how this period of my life is meant to be.

I'm definitely mentally ill. no sane person can switch between such states of happiness and depression. There are people who are happier and others who are sadder, for sure. You just get used to it and live your life. While i keep switching based on the season or with whats going on in my life. It's not bearable, i keep comparing myself with other times in my life and ask why i feel so different. The situation with my family makes me sick, more than 20 years of trauma and they can live while pretending nothing ever happened. University and work are also stressing me so much, they make me so anxious, i have panic attacks, things are coming to an end and it scares me so much. There was a time where i was able to get over everything quickly and keep going on. Now i feel the crushing weight of everything. I feel like i can't get over the problems. i feel like running away (phisically, like going to another country) or numbing everything with alcool and cigarettes, or doing crazy things. I started going to a bdsm private club, i met amazing people, had incredible chats and it is a good way of escaping from life. I like being tied up, it's called shibari, it's an interesting art. i also got a new phone, i should update my technology blog about it. bye

I'm doing good, i'm not the same person as 9 months ago, at all. Crazy how things can change so drastically, specifically when it's all in your head. It required a lot of work, sacrifice and patience but it's worth. Totally. Trying to enjoy life as much as possible. Practicing mindfulness and gratitude often. Keeping myself busy. That's how life is intented to be. Forgive, let things go, focus on what's good, be the good thing in your world. We are all so fragile. Push away what hurts you. We're all a crack away from completely shattering but we don't know it. We don't need to prove anything to anyone. Not even ourselves. Don't give up. Don't romanticize your depression, your suffering, it's not real. It doesn't make you better than the "others". Aim to be the others. To be normal. To be common. That's how we are intented to be. Wish you all the best. You deserve it.

i feel like a normie, it's nice tho. I'm trying to spend as less time as i can online, it's weird. I feel like i'm doing so much, accomplishing so much, feels like bulimia and depression was ages ago but it has only been a couple of months since i'm doing better. And i'm really doing better. I like myself, i like my body, i like how clothes fit me. i feel confident. Food and training are not an obsession anymore. I enjoy both of them. I'd never thought i'd be able to say it 5 months ago. I was right. Things do get better. It's hard, a lot. But that's what i like to think. I feel lonely sometimes. I like the idea of having a girlfriend again but i could never be a good bf right now. It's ok. I need to appreciate my alone time. P.s. I feel like cigarettes are really helping my mood. I'm not smoking a lot, but those 2/3 cigarettes are really pleasant moments imo. Maybe it's simply addiction. idc. If it works it works :) .

i'm i truly ok? is anyone truly doing good or we're all just escaping reality. It's nice to work, it's nice to work-out, it's nice going out with friends. it's nice chatting with girls. But when i'm alone and finally my trueself everything crumbles. Sometimes i feel like lying, for no particular reason. I don't do it. But the idea is there. It sounds fun. I hate men. Thanks papa. I hate women. Thanks mama. Sometimes i feel so grateful to them. Others i feel like they owe so much. Sometimes i want them to die. So bad. My whole family. I could be finally free kinda. No more owing. The first thing i would do would is probably wear a skirt, some nail polish and go to the grocery store. Nothing special actually. I'm just tired and rumbling as always. Love you all.

I'm doing the exact opposite as the last entry. Started working in a school as a teacher and a technician part-time, started working on my internship and thesis again. I'm happy i think! Sometimes i find myself having weird thoughts but i'm generally happy. I think keeping myself busy is the best thing for me. Still smoking a couple of cigarettes a day, i love it. i was thinking about dating somebody, i'm playing a bit with dating apps again, texting is fun. i also feel like going out with a guy, i dont know why. maybe i should just try and see how it goes. I wanna spend more time on neocities too. i want too many things at once maybe.

I'm not doing anything. Literally anything. Been doom-scrooling the whole day and night the last week. No stadium and no concert in the end but it's fine. I cant make myself do anything i really don't understand. i keep coming to excuses al day. And smoking. Gooddamn i love smoking a cigarette while watching the void. Still running and training tho. i like it.

I've been training a bit these days. Some running and body exercices. Nothing special but i think i should get back to a healthier life-style. I gained some weight, i kind of like my body now, but i would like some things to change again. Today i tried to eat healthy also, no calorie counting but just more veggies and less sugar, the usual stuff you know. After dinner i was pretty happy about my day but suddenly i felt over-whelmed and went in panic mode totally. I felt like i felt when i was suffering from bulimia a lot. I had the urgence of stuffing my face with everything i was able to grab, like if i was starving. And i did. Not an actual "binge episode" but i over-ate for sure. But the emotions that i felt really scared me. I thought i was doing better. Also the idea of purging now feels so appealing. Looks like i'm still not ready .... It's ok, i'll keep training because i like it and it doesn't trigger me. But i'll keep eating "bad". Or do very slow steps. I finally *really* want to be better i feel like.

It has been a pretty nice week. Been chilling and doing my things. I also did an interview for a job as a technician in a school. Something part-timeish because i want to do some work experience and get some money now that i'm kind of free. i could start my master now but i think i'll wait until september. Pretty stressed at home but i try to not think about it. I've also been having some nice conversations with people in uni, pretty deep and meaningful. I'm not as irritable as before but i feel pretty drained after spending time with people.

Yesteday i used instagram for a bit after almost two months without any social media. That stuff is fucked i swear. Probably i'm a very influenciable person and that's part of the issue. but those 30 minutes scrolling reels made me so insecure about my body ( i was planning to diet today after seeing the videos of thin perfect bodies), so lonely because i don't have a relationship and so miserable because i actually wanted to sleep but instead i spent that time doing something i didn't really even enjoy !!! I'll delete the account asap, but i had to open it last week to text to a person i couldn't otherwise.

These days i worked on my thesis in the company where i'm at and reinstalled arch on my pc. It was pleasant. I had some moments where i was a bit over-whelmed for no particular reason, on the train usually after a long day. I wrote a bit on my notebook to help the feeling go away. I should study for one last exam too, this weekend maybe.

Got back to training/running and studying chinese/german daily. Diet is still pretty bad but i'm not too mad about it. I wanna smoke so bad. But i'm trying to keep it moderate, like not smoking when i'm home. Downloaded some new songs with streamrip from deezer, worked flawlessly. I'll try to build my mp3 library i think, i'll slowly add songs i like and remove old ones. Spotify is something i miss but you get used to it. Once u have 200 songs downloaded your ok. It feels nice to think about a song, write it down and listening to it after some time and not immediatly. It's also nice to look for new music actively through youtube and online blogs and not only following some music service algorithm suggestions. I want to try to do whatever feels good from now on. Whatever i feel like doing, without big questions or reasons.

helped an old woman carry her suitcases through the train station to her hotel. She told me she's from ukraine, Kyiv. I stupidly told her "slava ukraini", idk where i heard it from but it should mean "free ukraine". She gave me the biggest smile i've ever seen. She was alone and had 5 huge suitcases, she was carrying them one by one for 10 meters at a time (something like 30 feet for the americans), didn't really understand her backstory because of her poor italian but she really warmed my heart.

Yesterday night my mother was talking with me, ended up talking about old bad times. My parents had/have the most toxic relation i've ever seen. They are both mentally ill, manipulative, violent, hypocrites, have a victim complex, over-possessive, anger issues, everything, fucking everything. My father was probably worse, but that's not the point. Sometimes i forget the fucked up shit me and my sister went through. Really wish they divorced when i was younger, probably we would have ended up in some social security house or idk what but at least we'd stop that insanity. Yesterday mom started venting and endend up crying. Of course i was supportive and all. But as i looked her in her eyes and was trying my best to say nice things and be there for her i noticed that only one thing was going on in my head: "when she's gonna end this rant so i can go to do my things". i swear nothing else was going on in my mind. no compassion, no empathy. Some pity only. I feel sorry that she had to go such traumatic things only for the love of her children. i'll be forever gratuful for this. But that hit me a bit. This is not me. Where is the 8 year old boy who used to comfort her and be her man. Only thing i really do care now is my peace. i'm ashamed.

I'll try to work more on my thesis to cope with the recent depression wave, hope it's gonna work. i have been so irritable it's crazy, can't literally stand nobody who talks or makes sound. It's getting so hard to pretend to smile and go on. Started smoking a couple of cigarettes a day lately, no real reson, just like the feeling and the light-head effect i get from it. I'll try yo enjoy it for the moment without getting addicted (as everyone says lmao).

No more K, it was a hard decision but future me will thank me. i hope.

Been floor rotting for the last days, didn't do absolutely anything. I'm at my HW in a while, exactly a month after being at my LW. i dont know

I don't know man. i ain't got the answers. I'm not in control. I fell. I lost my motivation, i'm just rolling. Rolling back? yes, i'm eating bad, not enjoying stuff like i did before. Rolling forward? yes, uni exams are going well, i'm still there for people around me. But the fact is that i'm just rolling. Not doing actively things. Maybe i'm just depressed, it's that time now. The same usual alternating moods thing. I dont even wanna talk to K anymore, she just feels like a burden now. I'm a fucking asshole. I'll keep doing it but i wish i could not. I wanna go back to Paris. Life was easier, Life was carefree.

Relapsed a couple of days ago, it felt weird. Nothing special actually, i unconsciously ate something that triggered me and then it slipped out of my control. The two days after were also hard, got some troubles with K and stupid stuff with X, so i wasnt really in the mood let's say. i ate like a pig, really. but i didn't purge that's good. Now i'm back on track, pretty positive and ready to keep going with my good habits. It's harder when u know that you lost the streak that made you feel so accomplished but i'm really trying to focus on the bigger picture. Even if i failed once it doesn't matter, i'm doing generally better, i can't pretend to immediatly be perfect. I probably will never be completely perfect. But it's ok, we are humans and we make errors. I need to minimize them and be able to restart after them. Had an exam and got the result of another one this week. All good. Need to keep working on my thesis tho!

As i promised here i am, on the train to Milan right now. I feel very rational, a lot of mental clarity and motivation. I'm euphoric, i get happy from small little silly things again. I don't get angry, i forgive easily. That's so different from what i felt exactly one month ago. It's not the first time it happens to me. Alternating periods of extreme energy to others were i'm more depressed and indulgent. This never really influenced my life. I always was able to be "functional". But mentally the difference is huge. I should look into into it probably, but i'll enjoy the high for the moment! The diet has been going very good, already lost a couple of kgs. i don't look as good as i did during the ed but at least i'm not dying right now :) I feel so creative, i wanna do more, but there is no time goddamn. I'm do procrastinate a little, but nothing really invasive. It's only that i love doing so many things. Usually people have their main work and one or two passions. Othen then my university work i have been: - Studying chinese and german daily - training daily - meditating daily - reading daily - playing videogames - taking care of my blog how can i fit all of this things in a day? i would like also to "procrastinate" a bit and watch some videos on youtube which is something i really enjoy. i would love also to sleep 7/8 hours but right now it's impossible. But it's ok, i need time to find a balance. I'll just try to do my best and what i feel like more.

I would love to work more on the website but i have no time lately !! I have been doing very good and working hard: working out, eating healthy, studying languages, meditating. All things that i love but i have no time left for videgames and my blogs. I need to find a balance, i don't want to relapse again in depression/bulimia. I feel like i obsess too much on things, that's my problem, both the good and the bad ones. I need to find compromises. But as i said all has been good lately, i'll try to work more on the site i swear.

Doing good: eating healthy, training, reading, drinking water, studying chinese, playing nice games and enjoying my time! I should start to study but for the moment it's still ok.

Damn it's the first of the day of 2024. 2023 was so full of events for me. But now it's over. I know it's stupid/cringe to make new year's resolutions or saying stuff like "new year new me" but idc. Even if it's just a social construct it gives me motivation to work hard so let's do it. I would like to respect these objectives for the next 75 days: - 1 training a day it can be lifting, running or at least some yoga; - Studying langueges at least 3 times a week, german and chinese. Some arabic calligraphy from time to time would be nice; - Eating 1500 kcal a day, no exceptions, no cheat days, no sugar at all possibly; - Drinking 3 lt of water a day; - Keep sleeping on the floor, i'll talk more about this, but i've been liking it for the time being. And then the usual stuff like studying, working on my thesis, playing nice videogames and enjoying time with friends/family/K. I dont think i need to make rules for those things. I'm positive. Let's go!

Had dinner at a friends house for the last day of the year. Every body cooked something, we played some trivia games (JackBox games are amazing) and drank some wine and bitter! We then went to my city's pub as there was a party! In the beginning the mood was a little down but after a couple of shots of tequila and some nice songs we had an amazing time. Danced until 4 am hehe. It was a good way of ending the year.

Went to visit K in her hometown. I went there by car, of course without Google Maps, i wrote some indications on my notebook the night before and then i simply drove there following the road signs. Took me 50 minutes but i arrived with no problems, it was nice. Spent a very cute day together, we chilled, played games, chatted, laughed, had sex, cried, ate pasta, went for a walk in the city center. She's special, i feel very good with her. But we are both fucked in the head. We know it. We talked about it. I think aknowledging it and always communicating is important. Maybe when we will sort out our things we will be able to make another step. idk. For the moment we agreed on enjoying our time together and doing and saying whatever we feel.

Disappeared for a couple of days but it was because i was tring my best to not stress myself. and i did! I feel very relaxed and i'm really enjoying these days. Been playing some cozy games like Zelda LA, Pokemon Rumble Blast and Bayonetta. I also kept eating a lot. Really trying to feel always empty and satisfing my cravings. I gained weight? for sure, but i don't know how much because i'm not weighting myself. Do i feel guilty? fuck yes, but recovery is more important right now. I'm scared of looking at myself in the mirror, actually i've been also avoiding taking showers and going out too much. But it's ok. I'll keep going like this for the next days too. Once i'll feel comfortable in not falling into bulimia again i'll start working on my body. The urges of binging are disappearing, the need to eat so much chocolate too. That's very good. Christimas was nice, shared some silly gifts with my family and my little brother really enjoyed his new toys, i have been playing with him a lot these days. Lego are so much fun !! This saturday i'll also have a cute date with K, can't wait. Maybe it's just coping but i think she's a keeper, never had any trouble with her. Maybe i am the problem? kidding. Anxious to see how it will evolve.

The last couple of days have been very slow. Always at home, chilling and being present with my family, helping with some house-work too. Didn't do anything really productive but it's ok, i can take this time off without affecting too much my exams and thesis. I have been eating. A lot. But it's ok. I didn't weight myself. I'm not tracking the calories. I'm trying to have 3 meals a day + snacks. I over-ate more than once in only two days. but it's ok. i didnt binge nor purge. After months of fasting i'm probably compensating now. it's ok. I think something changed in me. I really want to be better this time. Also if i have to gain some weight it's ok. Better fat than dead :) It's funny to say but two weeks ago i would probably have said the opposite. So gotta be happy with the little things! I'll try my best to enjoy these holidays, i think i'll be able to do it.

i think i reached the deepest possible end. It can't be worse than last night. So bad that i'm seriously scared of feeling it again. I think it's good, maybe i needed it. I'll be working very hard from now to be better. No new year resolution, it starts from today. I'll be having 3 meals a day, writing them on my little notebook. No more calories counting. No more "making up for over eating", no more weighting myself every day, no more body checks, no more little treats. I'l be extremely precise. No exception. Three normal meals a day for a month at least. Nothing more. Nothing less. !!!!!

Yesterday i had a very nice party and sleepover at a friend's place. The mood was nice, we all drank and had a lot of fun. Of course "smart" me decided to not eat anything through all the day and during the evening because theday before i binged. And you know what? i actually did not eat anything during the whole day, drank a good amount of hard alcohol (no drinks, to avoid sugar) and avoided completely any kind of food during the event, not even a single bite of pizza or chips or cake. nothing at all! even this morning while everybody was having breakfast completely hang-over i simply drank water and said that "my belly was hurting a bit". i was so proud of myself, came back home and felt so skinny, i felt invincible, ready to keep fasting for the next days. Then i binged. Started from some lentils and carrots, then some more, then a croissant with nutella, then some biscuits, then some chips and then the list goes on and on and on. And now i'm here hating myself. Conteplating if i should purge or not. Thinking about a wasted opportunity of eating with my friends instead of playing it "smart" and then fucking everything up at home. When will i learn?

Everything is fine in my life right know except this fucking eating disorder. This is driving me nuts. In my life i lived so many hard things, from shitty parents to health problems to poverty to love problems and on and on. This thing should be so stupid in comparison, however it is fucking with my head so bad, it's becoming an obsession, every moment of my days is devoted to this. WHY. I just wanna stop eating. It doesn't even feel good anymore. But i keep wanting/doing it. Binging and Purging. Purging and Binging. I have a bottomless pit in my body. I feel like i'm going to explode. I don't know for how long i can keep going like this.

Today i lost two streaks: - 300 days on Duolingo: I liked it but now that i'm not using a phone i understood how stupid it was. It just gave me a little bit of dopamine each day without actually teaching me anything. I'm learning far more by using a german and chinese grammar school books twice a week. - 10 days of no P: i was doing kind of well but i relapsed. I hate myself right now. Why does it have to feel so fucking good?

Fuck it, new week, we ball UPDATE: i balled actually, good vibe through all the day, food an issue as always but nothing exceptional let's say!

Sunday evening after a long and nice weekend, of course i'm depressed. I really don't want to start another week. I want to throw a tantrum like a child. Food has been on my mind all day. I hate it. I'm fasting, even if i shouldn't. I feel gross, i feel fat, i feel untrustworthy, i feel ungrateful. I feel like i don't deserve what i have. Both the positive and negative things i have.

an okay-ish day. i'm happy, i did things i like and had good moments with family and friends but i binged. No purging tho, i suffered the consequences of my actions. I hope it's gonna help me stop next time it'll happen again. Working again to break the cycle from tomorrow i promise, i'll try not to fast but it's hard.

Not a very productive day but it was nice, studied a bit, drank some nice tea, had a cute call with K, went out with my sister and my little brother to buy some stuff from a supermarket in a city near mine. I got a lot of silly stuff like a new mug, cha and lemon tea, a book and some pens for calligraphy and some LEDs for my room. I love my new setup, so cozy and nice. While coming back we also stopped to see some nice cars (pic taken from my flip phone hehe).

Today was good, spent a lot of time on the pc doing things i like, so i'm satisfied! from downloading music, to setting waydroid, to reading stuff about my new flip phone. Food has been an issue lately, this weekend i binged and purged two times and the last couple of days i starved myself. Weight is under control but it's so hard to make peace with my mind and break the cycle. I'll study a little bit of chinese and german now and maybe practice calligraphy. See ya!