# 17/12/2023 ----------------------------------------
I've always felt like problems in my life are something I should secretly deal with. I know that's not a healthy position to have, but from childhood onward I had to be valuable for what I can do without any weakness or I was discarded and abandoned.
I feel like my pain a contagion that is my job to protect others from. If it isn't life threatening than I should quietly suffer and not bring people down with. I guess this sick self-image happens when the oldest memories I have are of getting in trouble for *allowing* myself to be hurt by others. Always getting in trouble having needs. Help always came with the price of resentment. My goal for so long was to simply not be a burden on anyone - to not be resented - but that has become harder as my chronic illness has intensified.
